What makes a good manager?

Directions

The first thing to get people to run in the right direction is to give them bearings. Which direction do we want to be running? A manager should be responsible for that and on the steering wheel at all times. If we leave it up to the young and eager developers we’ll all be running really hard, but probably in opposite directions. The first thing a manager needs to do is direct people in the right way. This cannot be forced however!

Leadership

If somebody is being force fed he’ll throw up eventually, leaving a big mess behind. The thing with good managers is that the people usually come to them to ask them for advise on how and what to do. It is a combination of both knowledge and a natural born leadership capacity that makes this work. You can not rest assured however that this will continue to work without effort.

Patience

People will only keep continue to ask their manager on what and how to do things as long as the manager is approachable and patience. A good manager cannot be out of office most of the day and should take time to really send somebody in the right direction. That takes skills.

Teaching

Teaching is one of those skills. A good manager will not give you the answer to your questions. It will ask you questions that will get you to your answer. A good manager is like an oracle. Teaching is not about using a red pen and pointing out what somebody is not good at. It is the opposite way around.

Appointments

Another thing that makes a manager a good manager is that he or she can delegate responsibilities without losing track. They’ll have to have authority to make people work for them and they should not be afraid to point out to someone that he or she is lacking behind. Again, this cannot be forced, it’s got to be something that comes naturally.

Bonding

The last thing I would like to mention is bonding. A good manager is the glue of a group of workers. All workers need to trust the manager to cover their backs if they do what they were told to do. A good manager can scent frustrations within a group, and knows when to act.

Directions

The first thing to get people to run in the right direction is to give them bearings. Which direction do we want to be running? A manager should be responsible for that and on the steering wheel at all times. If we leave it up to the young and eager developers we’ll all be running really hard, but probably in opposite directions. The first thing a manager needs to do is direct people in the right way. This cannot be forced however!

Leadership

If somebody is being force fed he’ll throw up eventually, leaving a big mess behind. The thing with good managers is that the people usually come to them to ask them for advise on how and what to do. It is a combination of both knowledge and a natural born leadership capacity that makes this work. You can not rest assured however that this will continue to work without effort.

Patience

People will only keep continue to ask their manager on what and how to do things as long as the manager is approachable and patience. A good manager cannot be out of office most of the day and should take time to really send somebody in the right direction. That takes skills.

Teaching

Teaching is one of those skills. A good manager will not give you the answer to your questions. It will ask you questions that will get you to your answer. A good manager is like an oracle. Teaching is not about using a red pen and pointing out what somebody is not good at. It is the opposite way around.

Appointments

Another thing that makes a manager a good manager is that he or she can delegate responsibilities without losing track. They’ll have to have authority to make people work for them and they should not be afraid to point out to someone that he or she is lacking behind. Again, this cannot be forced, it’s got to be something that comes naturally.

Bonding

The last thing I would like to mention is bonding. A good manager is the glue of a group of workers. All workers need to trust the manager to cover their backs if they do what they were told to do. A good manager can scent frustrations within a group, and knows when to act.

Tips for the people who got LaidOff

Never think that bad times won’t come

Be positive about yourself

Take the job loss in a positive way; learn something from it and move ahead in life

Keep the faith: If you lost your job probably god has something big for you in store

Never be arrogant to your seniors irrespective of how bad they are to you. Life is short; you never know when they would cross your path again

Take a break and come back with energy and new ideas

Indulge in hobbies you never had chance to spend time for due to work

Don’t look for people to sympathise with you; rather be confident about your abilities

Look for alternative job options irrespective of work locations or role

Be open to work anywhere in times of need

Don’t crib about bad situation rather create opportunities for yourself

Do some certification courses to stay employable

Save some money for bad times (no matter how much we save keep enough cash reserves, don’t just lock money in tax saving instruments)

Spend wisely; try to minimise your extra expenditure

Don’t get emotionally attached to any company. If you get a good offer take it. Move on. 

When your business is losing money you have to be practical and realise that companies have to sack you so that it can survive.

Keep your emotions out; it affects work and also the work atmosphere.

Finding a solution

Re-evaluate your expenses and financial plans. Cut back on luxuries that you don’t need, and minimise credit card usage.

Assess your skill sets and identify areas you can improve while job-hunting.

Watch your health — take care of your physical and mental well-being. A sick or depressed person is not likely to be an asset to any company.

If you find yourself depressed all the time, waste no time in finding a counsellor to talk to. Sometimes, just venting can lift a huge load off your chest.

Keep an open mind about career changes, relocation and salary packages.

Read on to learn in detail how you can cope with the pink slip, both emotionally and practically.

Points in Life

1. Fear God and you will have no cause to fear any one.

2. Resignation to the Will of God is the cure of the disease of the heart.

3. The word of God is the medicine of the heart.

4. Lead such a life, that, when you die, the people may mourn you, and while you are alive they long for your company.

5. The days of life pass away like clouds, so do good while you are alive.

6. Of all the follies the greatest is to love the world.

7. Opportunity is swift of flight but slow to return.

8. Pride, cowardice, and miserliness are bad for me but good for women.

9. The most happy is he to whom God has given a good wife.

10. He who knows himself knows God.

11. Do not soil your conscience for anything but heaven

12. The disease of the heart is worse than the disease of the body.

13. To fight against one’s desires is the greatest of all fights.

14. The strongest amongst you is he who subdues his self.

15. Wealth and greed are the roots of all evils.

16. Riches without faith are the greatest poverty.

17. A man’s worth depends upon the nobility of his aspirations.

18. Knowledge enlivens the soul.

19. The learned lives, although he dies.

20. The sum total of excellence is knowledge.

21. To respect the learned is to respect God.

22. Generosity hides shortcomings.

23. The wealth of a miser is as useless as a pebble.

24. Desire is one’s most inveterate enemy.

25. Those who walk on the surface of the earth shall one day be interred in it.

26. Every breath of man brings him nearer to death.

27. People are asleep as long as they are alive, they are awakened when they die.

28. Patience is the fruit of faith.

29. Virtue never dies.

30. A man’s glory from his virtue is greater than the glory of his pedigree.

31. No shelter is safer than piety.

32. A man’s behavior is the index of his mind.

33. Courtesy costs nothing but buys everything.

34. Clemency graces power.

35. Jealousy devours virtue as fire devours fuel

36. He that lends a listening ear to reproach is one of those that deserve reproach.

37. Forgiveness is she crown of greatness.

38. Carnal appetites are nets spread by the devil.

39. Every arrow does not hit the mark, nor every prayer granted.

40. Ostentatiousness spoils prayers.

41. Fear none but your sins.

42. He who praises you murders you.

43. A man who praises himself displays his deficiency of intellect.

44. Honor your parents and your sons will honor you.

45. A man is hid under his tongue.

46. The tongue of a wise man lies behind his heart.

47. The tongue pierces deeper than the spear.

48. He who purifies his heart from doubt is a believer.

49. The opinion of a wise man is an oracle.

50. To seek counsel is to go to the fountain of guidance.

51. Association with a fool is tyrannical to the soul.

52. God hastens the fall of tyrants.

53. Tyranny leads to moral cowardice.

54. A tyrant’s success is his moral defeat.

55. It is better to die than to beg.

56. When a man begs he loses his faith.

57. Hajj is the Jihad of every believer in faith.

58. A wise enemy is better than a foolish friend.

59. Silence is the best reply to a fool.

60. The best speech is one that is short and reasonable.

61. Speech is like a medicine, a small dose of which cures but an excess of which kills.

62. He that has no courage has no religion.

63. His grief is long whose hope is short.

64. The right of freedom of speech consists in speaking the truth.

65. Repentance washes away sins.

66. Folly is an incurable disease.

67. To assist the wrong is to oppress the right.

68. Sinning is a disease, repentance is its medicine, and abstinence from it a sure cure.

69. Sorrow makes a man old before his time.

70. Pride impedes progress and mars greatness.

71. To forgive is the crown of greatness.

72. He who understands humanity seeks solitude.

73. Right is the best argument.

74. Misrepresentation spoils narration.

75. As a man’s wisdom increases, so his desire to speak decreases.

76. He who seeks to do justice with men, let him desire for them what he desires for himself.

77. The greatest sin is the sin that the sinner considers to be ordinary.

78. Contentment is the asset which is never exhausted.

79. Governments are a trial for men.

80. He who fights against the truth, the truth will defeat him.

81. Finding fault in others is one’s greatest fault.

82. Haste is a species of madness.

83. Greed is perpetual enslavement.

84. He who does not know his own worth is doomed to destruction.

85. The best investment is one with which duties are performed.

86. Anger is a fire kindled, he who restrains anger extinguishes the fire; he who gives vent to it is the first to be consumed by such fire.

87. Jihad is the highway of prosperity.

88. None is more solitary than a miser.

89. Knowledge is the ornament of the rich, and the riches of the poor.

90. Knowledge is the sum total of excellence.

91. He who teaches you a letter binds you with a fetter of gratitude.

92. As long as we do not hope, we do not fret.

93. He who indulges in jokes and loose fall, loses a part of his wisdom.

94. Truth is bitter, but its result is sweet; falsehood appears to be sweet but it is poisonous in its effect.

95. Miserliness is the root of many evils.

96. Knowledge and practice are twins, and both go together. There is no knowledge without practice, and no practice without knowledge.

97. He who dissembles plays with his honor.

98. When God wants to humiliate a person He deprives him of knowledge.

99. When your power increases, decrease your desires accordingly.

100. He who listens to a backbiter loses a friend.

101. It is no justice to decide a case on mere conjecture.

102. He who does not know his own worth is deemed to ignominy.

103. He who practices thrift would never be in want.

104. He who does not know should not be ashamed to learn.

105. Patience is to faith, what head is to the body. When patience goes, faith goes, when head goes, the body goes.

106. The grace of God is the best guide.

107. A good disposition is the best companion.

108. Wisdom is the best friend.

109. Good breeding is the best inheritance.

110. There is nothing more hateful than pride.

111. Be among men like bee among birds.

112. Mix with the people with your tongue, but be separate from them in your deeds.

113. Be generous but do not be a spendthrift.

114. Do not run after the world, let the world run after you.

115. A wise man is he who does not despair of the bounty and mercy of God.

116. He who is aware of his own faults is oblivious of the faults of others.

117. What the eye sees the heart preserves.

118. The vision of the eye is limited; the vision of the heart transcends all barriers of time and space.

119. Do not be misled by appearances for these are apt to be deceptive.

120. Do not have too many irons in the fire; concentrate on one thing at a time.

121. What you do not like for your self, do not like it for others.

122. Contentment is the treasure which is never exhausted.

123. The advice of old men is dearer than the bravery of young men.

124. That knowledge is superficial which is merely on the tongue. That knowledge is real which demonstrates itself in your practice.

125. Waste of time is one’s greatest loss.

126. He who knows to keep his secret knows the way to success.

127. Foresight is the way to safety.

128. No relationship is stronger than the relationship that exists between man and God.

129. Enlighten the heart with prayers.

130. Strengthen your heart with faith.

131. Suppress all lust with piety.

132. Do not sell the Hereafter for the world.

133. Do not speak in a state of ignorance.

134. Refrain from unnecessary talk.

135. Do not tread the path from which you can apprehend the danger of running astray.

136. In the affairs of God, do not be afraid of the accusations of the evil mongers.

137. In all that you do seek the protection of God.

138. Do not covet what is undesirable.

139. If you seek the truth neither stray from the right path, nor be assailed by doubts.

140. Do not become a slave of your desires.

141. That wealth is no wealth which brings dishonor.

142. Whatever harm accrues of silence can be remedied but whatever harm is done because of speech cannot be remedied.

143. It is better to restrain your desires than to stretch your hand before others.

144. A little that is earned because of honest labor is better than a larger amount gained through dishonest means.

145. Guard well your secret.

146. He who seeks more than what is necessary indulges in error.

147. To oppress the weak is the worst tyranny.

148. Do not bank on false hopes for that is the capital of the dead.

149. A wise man takes a lesson even from a minor lapse.

150. Overpower desires and suspicions by patience and faith.

151. He who does not take the middle course strays.

152. A stranger is he who has no friends.

153. When hopes are frustrated despair becomes the way of life.

154. He who trusts the world, the world betrays him.

Trials in life

Trials in life can be tragedies or triumphs, depending on how we handle them. Triumphs don’t come without effort.

A biology teacher was teaching his students how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. He told the students that in the next couple of hours, the butterfly would struggle to come out of the cocoon. But no one should help the butterfly. Then he left.

The students were waiting and it happened. The butterfly struggled to get out of the cocoon, and one of the students took pity on it and decided to help the butterfly out of the cocoon against the advice of his teacher. He broke the cocoon to help the butterfly so it didn’t have to struggle anymore. But shortly afterwards the butterfly died.

When the teacher returned, he was told what happened. He explained to this student that by helping the butterfly, he had actually killed it because it is a law of nature that the struggle to come out of the cocoon actually helps develop and strengthen its wings. The boy had deprived the butterfly of its struggle and the butterfly died.

Apply this same principle to our lives. Nothing worthwhile in life comes without a struggle.

As parents we tend to hurt the ones we love most because we don’t allow them to struggle to gain strength.

Obama’s speech

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because we the people have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sanh.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. All this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. Those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our founding fathers … our found fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all the other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to the suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence — the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

“Let it be told to the future world … that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive…that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet (it).”

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.

Nearshoring ??

Offshoring has proven to be an effective way for companies to reduce the cost of custom software development. However, offshoring involves a lot of risk and other difficulties and countries like U.S. and some other european countries seem to have found an alternative in the form of nearshore outsourcing. Nearshoring is a form of outsourcing in which an activity is replaced to locations which are, cheaper and geographically nearer than offshore locations.

Although it is difficult to argue against the massive availability of talent and low labor costs in India and other locations in the Far East, there are a number of reasons that make nearshoring a more attractive alternative for many large organizations like time zone, geographic proximity, cultural affinity.

Indian IT companies have pioneered the offshoring with advantages of ‘low cost labour’ and ‘Skilled professional availability’ on their side but would that last forever? I do not know of many indian software companies which are involved in innovative software production and IT services seem to be their ‘bread and butter’. And now with salaries hike for indian software professionals are of the tunes of 10-15% year on year, the cost advantage is set to go off in next few years.

Not too far are the days when Nearshoring takes over offshoring.

Alarming bells for indian software companies?

Fathers Are Primary Parents ! Children love their Daddies!

Your children love to hear your voice, to see you come in the door, to be next to you at the table, to play with you as long as you can possibly play! One father I know told me that his 15 month old climbed up on his and his wife’s bed at 6 a.m. one morning, crawled over, peered in his face, and gently put her finger up his nostril! Your children want contact with you–all of you!

Dads get a raw deal, however. The pressure to earn a living often has a desperate thread woven through it: there’s a sense that if you don’t provide, dire things will happen to your family! We live in a society in which the lack of any safety net for families translates to a feeling of “life and death” for Dads around work issues. And when work must be pursued in a worrisome way, exhaustion is not far behind. Long hours, worry, heavy expectations, an ever more uncertain working environment, and the threat of poverty all make it harder to enjoy our children. It’s also hard to think independently about ourselves as Dads and as men: what do we want to do with our lives, how do we really want to live, what’s important to us?

Listening to each other, hearing other Dads talk about parenting and about what’s important to them is a first step to climbing out of living under obligation. Just hearing how life is for other Dads can help bring a sense of perspective to our lives: the oppression of parents jams us all in similar ways. Getting a chance to say what your highest hopes are for your relationship with your children and your partner can help lift a trudging spirit. And seeing how good other Dads are, how valiantly we struggle to be our best and to care deeply, lets us go easier on ourselves.

One point that’s important to clarify is that fathers are absolutely primary parents. Children want, need, and love their Daddies. Some children grow up without the benefit of a Dad, and they manage well, but you need to know that, whatever your parenting circumstance, your child wants you close!

Children often look like they favor their Moms, and that when the chips are down, it’s Mom they want to stroke their forehead or kiss their hurt or listen to the tale of their hard day. But this is usually just the result of cultural circumstance: Mom is nearby more often when the chips are down, because in our culture, Dad usually spends more time at work. (In families in which the Dad stays home, the children gravitate to him in hard times, and it’s the Mom who has to work to keep from living on the emotional outskirts of the family.) You don’t have to remain on the emotional outskirts of your children’s lives!

What helps children grow close are simple things any Dad can do, if he has been clued in to the secret!

* Your children love play, especially physical play. So you can get down on the floor and pillow fight, or wrestle, or be a horsy, or play hide and seek. If you are careful to always lose (maybe not by much–children love a good contest), to let them have the final victory, and if you are careful not to overwhelm them with your strength in play, they will laugh and find all kinds of ways to “get” you. The more they laugh, the closer they’ll feel to you. Joy and love are built in playtimes like these.
* Your children want you to listen to their feelings, not to correct them. When children have played all-out, they feel safe enough to bring up heavy emotions. This is a golden opportunity. They are falling apart over some seemingly small issue: you said that play is over now, or you said they have to put their seat belt on, or they don’t like what’s being served for dinner. What you need to remember, in order to build closeness with your child, is that she wants you to listen while she cries! If you can love her, touch her gently, say little, and stand by whatever limit you have set (”I’m sorry, but you do have to put on your seatbelt”), she will get the bad feelings out, and will notice that you simply loved her even while she was feeling desperate or mad or sad. It’s this kind of listening that helps children feel like you are on their side forever. This kind of listening puts love in right at the most crucial time–when your child feels undone and vulnerable. All you have to do is to be kind and patient. Your child will show you more closeness and trust when she has finished her cry or her tantrum.
* Your children want your life to be good. You working too hard and having no one to talk with about what matters to you keeps you remote from your child. Children often say they want the latest expensive toy or clothing, or feel like when the TV breaks, it has to be fixed right away. But saying no to some material things (and hearing your child’s full cry about how life can’t be lived without the latest “thing”) so that you can be in your family’s life more is a huge gift to your child and yourself. Go ahead and set limits that you think make sense, limits that allow your life to be good, too.

You belong in the center of your family, close and warmly loved! And we need to work together to see to it that fathers win more time, more security of mind, and more connection to other parents*, so that we can relax and enjoy the people closest to us.

True story – You alter the difficulties, or you alter yourself to meet them

Ours was an arranged marriage. It was done the traditional way. Our Parents took care of everything. My only condition was that she should be ready to work. Our horoscopes and photos were exchanged. Everything Matched. I spoke to her over the phone. We talked about things two strangers would talk. She was a lecturer in Bangalore who felt Chemistry was more important than Hindi movies. There was no engagement. The date for marriage was fixed in 2 weeks as I could not get a vacation after that. Even the vacation time I got was just 10 days.

Everything was fixed. It was supposed to be very hectic for me. We got married and 2 days later we had to leave the country. She cried like there was no tomorrow when we left. She would not talk to me on the plane. I thought that was usual for an Indian girl. I thought she would get over it. Once home she would not talk to me. She sat in a corner staring at the TV. For the first couple of days I had to catch up on some work and did not take her mood seriously.

A week later I sat beside her and asked her, “What is wrong?”

“Why did you bring me here?”

“What do you mean? What happened?”

“I want to go home”

“This is your home”

“No. I want to go home. Please buy me a ticket”

“Look, everybody feels homesick. I did when I came here the first time. It is normal. You will get over it. Sorry I have been busy with work.

We can go out this weekend. You will meet my friends and other people who will be very friendly. Come on be a good girl”

“I hate this place. I miss my family, my friends, my college. All the people I know are not here. I want to go home”

“Think for a minute. Try to reason it out yourself. What is your plan by the way? So you want to go back and never come back?”

“Yes”

“Are you crazy?”

“If you think this is crazy then I am.”

“It is ok if you do not answer this question. Is there someone else?”

“No. I want to go home. I will call 911 if you do not send me”

“First cool down. Think about it. Think about our parents. It is less than a month that we got married and now you want to return home. You very well knew that you had to come here. What were you thinking? Even if you are returning home what happens to our marriage?”

“I am not blaming you. I take the blame. It is my mistake. I can’t stay so far away from my family. If you are so interested come to India”

“I am family too! What you are asking is ridiculous.”

The next day she would not change her mind. I called my folks. They said that it was my decision and they would stand by me. I booked her ticket and put it in her hand the next evening. She was to leave in 2 days.

Nothing would convince her to change her mind. She was crying like a kid. Then she left.

She had done nothing for me to miss but something inside me was telling me that I was at fault. I tried to shake it off but as time grew I started feeling more guilty. I called her. She made it clear that she did not find me despicable but she would not leave her city. Her parents apologized profusely but they were helpless too.

I have had crushes. None of them were serious. There was this girl in my high school tuition whose phone no I managed to find out. Then the prettiest girl in college whom everybody loved, who talked to me once. Then the girl from my city who was at my university in USA who made me feel at home when I visited her place. I had ignored them once I crossed their paths. But Anjali was my wife. I could not ignore her.

I decided to quit my job. I went home. No one back home knew I was returning. I wanted to surprise her. I dropped off my bags at my place and went to the college she was teaching. The gate keeper would not let me in. So I had to wait outside for the classes to get over.

She walked out alone, struggling to carry her bag, tired, with slow steps. She was walking towards the bus stop. I silently followed her and went behind her and whispered, “Do you mind if I carry your bag?”

She was startled and turned to face me. Her eyes lit up. I was not sure if I could hug her. I was smiling and she had a 100 questions written all over her face. “I want to spend a week with you in this city. Show me the things that you could not miss”

That one week went in a jiffy. She was treated a kid at home with all the comforts. That explained her behavior. Coffee was brought to her in the morning. Even her dress was laid out for her. She would have breakfast and leave. The bus journey was an hour. She would sit near the window with a book. Then once in the college she would teach her classes and come out tired in the evening. She would stand in the crowded bus carrying her bag which would look heavy. Then she would alight, go home, have a snack and would head out to a friend’s place. Some times she’d stay home watching TV or listening to music. When her dad returned she would join him and they’d have dinner. Then her mom would tuck her in bed. Weekends were not much different. She would sleep late, wake up for breakfast and lie down talking on the phone. Then she would visit the temple in the evening and would have her singing lessons. Then she would eat out and would head home late.

That was her life. It was something every human being wanted – simple, content and happy. Of course to her I was a villain. I told her that I understood her. I wanted to know if it was ok if she stayed in the same city but away from her parents. Her only condition was that I should not stay at my parent’s place to which I agreed. So we moved into a small apartment. She knew nothing. She had to be taught everything. She learnt. It was hard to make her understand that she had duties and she had a husband. Coffee had to be brought to her in the morning. She made the rules and broke them. She did not care for me. Sometimes she would not return home but go to her parents’ place without informing me. I would have had to go bring her back.

Slowly she started realizing about married life. She would wake up before me, try to cook, agree for a movie, visit my friend’s place, invite me to her college, let me dress her up, dance in front of me, teach me Chemistry, talk about her crushes, play cricket with me, make me cry for a change. She was growing mature day by day. One day she apologized for the whole thing. I brushed it aside. Finally I had her the way I wanted.

Today I am happy and content with my life. She is still there crying to get her things done. I keep reminding her how she had threatened to call the police. She laughs it away. Some times I wonder how life would have been if I had not returned. Then again some things are left as they are.

That’s how life is…

There are two ways of meeting difficulties:

“You alter the difficulties, or you alter yourself to meet them”

13 ways to success

HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE: hang around with positive people, stay away from cry babies and complainers, because they will pull you down to their level. If something isn’t going right in your life, keep it to yourself, no one wants to hear your problems, make people believe you are having a wonderful time.

ORGANIZE YOUR LIFE: keep an appointment book so that you don’t have to use the words that sicken me: “I FORGOT.” At the end of each day, meditate upon what you did or did not do, so you can become stronger for tomorrow. Plan your work for the next day. If you know where you are going you will get there. If you don’t, you are LOST!

WORK WHEN YOU WORK: don’t take long lunch hours, and only eat with people who can help your cause, not with other salespeople. Do not sneak out of work early, if you do you are a LOSER.

OBSERVE GIRARD’S NO-NOs: No smoking or chewing tobacco, no gum, no colognes, no profanity, no dirty jokes, no alcohol breath, and men do not wear earrings when you are working. Turn off cell phones – they’re irritating. The biggest killer of them all is NOT BEING ON TIME.

DRESS THE PART: what kind of people are you dealing with. If you are selling to blue collar workers, don’t wear $500 suits and expensive shoes, jewelry or watches (it’s a big distraction). Wear it on your own time, not when you’re working – clothes can turn people off.

LISTEN!: People can tell if you’re not listening. The longer you listen, the more obligated people will feel towards you. The more you listen, the more likely a customer is going to do business with you. Listening shows that you care. “The mouth should only be used for eating – keep your mouth shut!” Silence is Golden.

SMILE!: A smile increases your face value. If people would smile more, your customers would feel better and want to do business with you, plus it’s great for your health!

RETURN ALL PHONE CALLS & EMAILS: not returning calls or emails are a way to lose customers and friends. Return your calls and emails as soon as possible. If you don’t, that’s a good way to burn a bridge!

TELL THE TRUTH: if you get caught in a lie even once, you will always be a liar. Even if you tell the truth for the rest of your life, you won’t be trusted or believed, consider yourself DEAD.

DON’T OVERCHARGE: if you do, and the customer compares your deal with somebody else, you have lost him. Take a little and leave a little; Joe only worked on a small profit, but he was heavy on volume, averaging six retail automobile sales a day. Word of mouth got around that YOU CAN’T BEAT JOE GIRARD’S PRICE.

STAND IN FRONT OF YOUR PRODUCT OR SERVICES: not behind. The most important thing to do for your customer is SERVICE them, and they will do business with you over and over again. This is what made JOE #1 IN THE WORLD.

LOCK UP EVERY SALE: after you have closed the sale, ask your customers why they bought from you – if they tell you why, they are reinforcing their trust in you. Therefore no more buyers’ remorse, MEANING NO MORE CANCELLATIONS.

REWARD YOURSELF: treat yourself well for all the smart work you have done; YOU DESERVE IT!

Easy Ways to Start a New Job

One of the hardest things in the world to me is starting a new job. Not only is it stressful trying to learn the work itself, but making new friends and getting to know the “office politics” can make you feel isolated for quite some time. In fact, many people tend to stick with their old jobs for those very reasons even if they’re not happy with them. Having to get used to a new work environment takes you completely out of your comfort zone, and it’s not easy for everyone to get past that stage to where the rewards may lie.

There are several things that can make the job transition a little easier. If you’re just starting a new job, or are thinking of starting one but can’t quite come to terms with the prospect of that “new job” discomfort, try some of these strategies to help things go smoother for you.

1.Remember that we all have to start somewhere – When it comes to learning your new job, no one goes into it with enough know how to make management the first day. That’s what the learning process is for. Keep in mind that all of the people who know seem so at ease at this workplace were once like you…a bit scared and totally lost on the way things work. Know that down the road, you’ll be the one to know what’s going on and those just coming in will stand where you’re standing right now.

2.Take notes – During the learning phase of a new job, information coming at you can be truly overwhelming. Don’t hesitate to bring along a memo pad and pen and let your trainer know that taking notes will help you learn everything quicker. Freehand them at first and go back later and type them up in more detail for review. Going over certain processes in your mind a few times will you familiarize you with the job in no time.

3.Be yourself…with discretion – One cool thing about starting a new job is that you’re given a small chance to reinvent yourself. Did you get the reputation of being the office gossip at your last job? Now’s your chance to play it a little low key. If you shied away from social interaction before, now you can step up a bit and make an effort to be more interactive. You can let your own natural personality shine through in effect, but take the opportunity to feel out the office first and find your niche. You might not find it right away, but with the right attitude, everyone will eventually begin to accept the genuine personality that you let show.

4.Don’t be afraid of mistakes – A personal problem that I’ve had to overcome when starting a new job is the fear of making mistakes. In essence, it’s a silly fear, since you’re not going to start something new without making a few here and there. Being afraid to mess up will hold you back from trying, and eventually learning, different aspects of your job. Jump in and try to learn as much as you can. Don’t be afraid to take a few chances, especially if the can be easily fixed. If you’re unsure, finish something and then ask someone who’s been there longer, or even your boss, for some feedback and a double check that you did everything right. Employers know that you’re new and they don’t expect you to be perfect. Being brave and attempting to learn new things will make a good impression.

Overall, keep in mind that everyone has to start somewhere and that you’re not being judged because you’re trying to learn. There’s a good chance that within a few short weeks, you’ll not only know more about your job but that you’ll be making friends and establishing yourself in the office as well.